Loosely defined – Stalking is the act of following someone around, keeping tabs on their actions. Using intimidation to try and control someone.
That would be my ex. Even after being divorced roughly 10 years, living apart for about 12…he’s still following me around and watching my every move. Now he’s cyberstalking. A couple of weeks ago he found an old dating profile that I put out there a long while back and copied it onto an email to me, letting me know he’s watching. The other day he’s found this blog. He actually sent me a long email where he lifted quotes from some of my various posts and was trying to debate them with me.
First of all, a blog as most of us know is simply a forum for us to write and let loose with our thoughts – an online journal. I posted what I was thinking and feeling at the time. My thoughts and feelings are not up for debate. They’re what I was thinking and feeling at the time. It wasn’t like I was trying to explain physics to the world and getting it all wrong. But I know his ulterior motive in sending these emails to me was a form of intimidation. He’s trying to let me know that he’s watching and that he knows (thinks he knows) what I’m up to.
For years he followed me around, watching… His excuse every time I accused him of stalking me was that he wasn’t stalking me, no he was simply trying to get close to his daughter. For those of you who are thinking that he has every right to be close to his daughter – absolutely. I agree 100% that he has every right to be involved in his daughter’s life, BUT…and here’s the kicker – whenever we were at a school or dance function, he would be glued to MY side the whole time, not hers. Even our daughter made that observation that he wasn’t there for her. He was there for mom. He also breaks off commitments to her if he’s angry or displeased with me… why?? What do my actions have to do with him seeing his daughter? If it were the other way around and I were in his shoes, I’d make sure I was there for her come hell or high water.
How do I know he drives past my place regularly? I have a boyfriend who comes over from time to time. There’s no rhyme or pattern to his showing up, we’ve gone weeks without seeing each other, but yet as soon as he shows up at my place, I’ll get a flurry of texts from the X indicating that he knows what I’m up to. These texts are usually not very pleasant in nature. This happens every single time, so yes, he’s watching my place a lot closer that I’d like.
I left him. I stayed with him for 23 years and finally decided that I had enough. He’s bipolar and agoraphobic. 23 years and he still wasn’t changing. He was emotionally abusive toward me. He was controlling and insecure. His thinking was that if he could make me feel like I wasn’t worthy then I wouldn’t, couldn’t, leave him. I wasn’t free to do anything without him being with me or having to know exactly where I was going or doing. We didn’t have any friends because he didn’t want anyone else coming around or me going out with anyone but him. I stayed with him for as long as I did because I felt so responsible for him. He would always tell me that he couldn’t possibly survive on his own. When our daughter was born I saw how I must have seemed through her eyes. He called me names, belittled me and undermined me every time I tried to do what I needed to do in raising our daughter and she was starting to talk and treat me the way that he did.
I lost any respect that I ever had for him a long time ago. Like I said, I felt responsible for taking care of him.
Most of us, or at least myself, would say hey, so and so doesn’t want me anymore? Okay, fine…moving on. Sure it’ll hurt for a while. There may be anger, resentment and even hatred, but I would definitely stay away from said person that didn’t want to be with me anymore. Why on earth would I continue to force myself on someone that has clearly stated that they were done with me? He said we could be friends for our daughter’s sake. I was all for that after all I don’t hate the guy. I just didn’t have any respect or love for him anymore, and I couldn’t allow him to drag me deeper into the hole he was in. I would hope that if anyone ever got to the point where they didn’t respect or love me anymore that they would break it off with me.
Know those people who make the news? The jilted ones who kill their spouses and their lovers or sometimes themselves?? He’s actually told me several times that he empathizes with those individuals. He can actually understand where they’re coming from. Intimidation?? absolutely. All he can focus on is that I cheated on him. Even though I was married to him for 23 years with no cheating during that time. Yea I wasn’t divorced when I met someone else, but mentally I had already left him. He was such a controlling asshole that I had absolutely no feeling left for him. I felt as if I were suffocating in a dark abyss. The only bright spot was my daughter and I knew that if I stayed, even that bright spot would dim and eventually extinguish. I did meet someone else and guess what, that person is still in my life and I consider him my best friend even after all these years later.
X is so focused on what he considers my infidelity, never mind that 10 years after the divorce I still haven’t crawled back begging his forgiveness, that he has made threats. They’re subtle ones because he knows if he comes right out and says anything point blank the cops will have him dead to the rights. But no, these threats are more like telling me that our daughter should go ahead and get her license because she may need to be able to drive herself around and also take care of my mother in case something happens to me. Telling me that it would be a good idea for me to have my will made out and up to date in case something happens to me. Texting my daughter and telling her that she should get her license and be prepared to help grandma in case something happens to your mom. He’s even followed my boyfriend whenever he leaves my place in an attempt, I’m sure, to find out where he lives. He’s made threatening gestures toward him through the car windows…imitating a gun with his fingers. He’s sent me emails indicating that he would love to hurt the both of us. He’s even gone as far as to tell my daughter when she was around 11 or so years old that the only reason mom was still here was because of her. Well, she’s 17 getting very close to adulthood and it seems that he’s escalating his stalking and threatening messages. I get the feeling that he’s just waiting for the right time.