Boot Camp

When the doc told me to stop running due to stress fractures in my shin, I pretty much stopped doing anything. I didn’t post any blogs, I just kind of slid into a funk. Originally I was only going to be booted for a month then it was two months then a couple more weeks. When I finally got it off, I was told no running for a while. By that time I felt as if I had gained weight, lost all my muscle tone and just felt generally crappy.

It’s amazing how much of a boost exercise gives your brain, not to mention the benefits your body gets from it. The only problem for me is – it’s so hard to get started. I was doing great for a while there as long as I kept the momentum going. Much like a pregnant woman who gets a free pass to eat and gain weight during the pregnancy, I started eating junk, telling myself that I might as well enjoy something if I couldn’t run. Huge mistake, I know.

Instead of hitting the trails, I decided to try boot camp. I found a great one. It’s small so that it feels as if I had my own personal trainer. The trainer is great, she keeps us moving without sounding like a drill sergeant. The best thing about this is the way it’s giving me a good workout without putting all the stress on my shins, ankles and feet. It’s a slow process but I feel my muscles getting stronger again. My endurance is improving and all without feeling any bone pain in my body.

This is not to say I’m not going to go running again. I will definitely be hitting the trails, especially when those beautiful days. But I’m going to keep mixing it up with an overall training program. Keep taking the calcium supplements and be a little more conscientious of keeping the nutrients that my body needs for bone health.

Perhaps I’ll be able to work my way up to a marathon one day. Yes, I think running a marathon could be one of the things on my bucket list…

STOP STALKING ME!!

Loosely defined – Stalking is the act of following someone around, keeping tabs on their actions. Using intimidation to try and control someone. 

That would be my ex. Even after being divorced roughly 10 years, living apart for about 12…he’s still following me around and watching my every move. Now he’s cyberstalking. A couple of weeks ago he found an old dating profile that I put out there a long while back and copied it onto an email to me, letting me know he’s watching. The other day he’s found this blog. He actually sent me a long email where he lifted quotes from some of my various posts and was trying to debate them with me. 

First of all, a blog as most of us know is simply a forum for us to write and let loose with our thoughts – an online journal. I posted what I was thinking and feeling at the time. My thoughts and feelings are not up for debate. They’re what I was thinking and feeling at the time. It wasn’t like I was trying to explain physics to the world and getting it all wrong. But I know his ulterior motive in sending these emails to me was a form of intimidation. He’s trying to let me know that he’s watching and that he knows (thinks he knows) what I’m up to. 

For years he followed me around, watching…  His excuse every time I accused him of stalking me was that he wasn’t stalking me, no he was simply trying to get close to his daughter. For those of you who are thinking that he has every right to be close to his daughter – absolutely. I agree 100% that he has every right to be involved in his daughter’s life, BUT…and here’s the kicker – whenever we were at a school or dance function, he would be glued to MY side the whole time, not hers. Even our daughter made that observation that he wasn’t there for her. He was there for mom. He also breaks off commitments to her if he’s angry or displeased with me… why?? What do my actions have to do with him seeing his daughter? If it were the other way around and I were in his shoes, I’d make sure I was there for her come hell or high water. 

How do I know he drives past my place regularly? I have a boyfriend who comes over from time to time. There’s no rhyme or pattern to his showing up, we’ve gone weeks without seeing each other, but yet as soon as he shows up at my place, I’ll get a flurry of texts from the X indicating that he knows what I’m up to. These texts are usually not very pleasant in nature. This happens every single time, so yes, he’s watching my place a lot closer that I’d like. 

I left him. I stayed with him for 23 years and finally decided that I had enough. He’s bipolar and agoraphobic. 23 years and he still wasn’t changing. He was emotionally abusive toward me. He was controlling and insecure. His thinking was that if he could make me feel like I wasn’t worthy then I wouldn’t, couldn’t, leave him. I wasn’t free to do anything without him being with me or having to know exactly where I was going or doing. We didn’t have any friends because he didn’t want anyone else coming around or me going out with anyone but him. I stayed with him for as long as I did because I felt so responsible for him. He would always tell me that he couldn’t possibly survive on his own. When our daughter was born I saw how I must have seemed through her eyes. He called me names, belittled me and undermined me every time I tried to do what I needed to do in raising our daughter and she was starting to talk and treat me the way that he did. 

I lost any respect that I ever had for him a long time ago. Like I said, I felt responsible for taking care of him. 

Most of us, or at least myself, would say hey, so and so doesn’t want me anymore? Okay, fine…moving on. Sure it’ll hurt for a while. There may be anger, resentment and even hatred, but I would definitely stay away from said person that didn’t want to be with me anymore. Why on earth would I continue to force myself on someone that has clearly stated that they were done with me? He said we could be friends for our daughter’s sake. I was all for that after all I don’t hate the guy. I just didn’t have any respect or love for him anymore, and I couldn’t allow him to drag me deeper into the hole he was in. I would hope that if anyone ever got to the point where they didn’t respect or love me anymore that they would break it off with me. 

Know those people who make the news? The jilted ones who kill their spouses and their lovers or sometimes themselves?? He’s actually told me several times that he empathizes with those individuals. He can actually understand where they’re coming from. Intimidation?? absolutely. All he can focus on is that I cheated on him. Even though I was married to him for 23 years with no cheating during that time. Yea I wasn’t divorced when I met someone else, but mentally I had already left him. He was such a controlling asshole that I had absolutely no feeling left for him. I felt as if I were suffocating in a dark abyss. The only bright spot was my daughter and I knew that if I stayed, even that bright spot would dim and eventually extinguish. I did meet someone else and guess what, that person is still in my life and I consider him my best friend even after all these years later.

 

X is so focused on what he considers my infidelity, never mind that 10 years after the divorce I still haven’t crawled back begging his forgiveness, that he has made threats. They’re subtle ones because he knows if he comes right out and says anything point blank the cops will have him dead to the rights. But no, these threats are more like telling me that our daughter should go ahead and get her license because she may need to be able to drive herself around and also take care of my mother in case something happens to me.  Telling me that it would be a good idea for me to have my will made out and up to date in case something happens to me. Texting my daughter and telling her that she should get her license and be prepared to help grandma in case something happens to your mom. He’s even followed my boyfriend whenever he leaves my place in an attempt, I’m sure, to find out where he lives. He’s made threatening gestures toward him through the car windows…imitating a gun with his fingers. He’s sent me emails indicating that he would love to hurt the both of us. He’s even gone as far as to tell my daughter when she was around 11 or so years old that the only reason mom was still here was because of her. Well, she’s 17 getting very close to adulthood and it seems that he’s escalating his stalking and threatening messages. I get the feeling that he’s just waiting for the right time. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Booted!!!

I’ve been booted! The doctor put a boot on my leg!

Not something any runner likes to hear. I’d been experiencing a lot of pain in my shin for going on a month now and it was interfering with my running. I figured that I’d probably worn out all the cushioning from my running shoes and needed new ones, but I kept putting off getting shoes because there was so much going on in my life. School started and as any parent knows, there’s a lot of expenses associated with the start of the school year. So, I put it off.

Meanwhile I’d go running and have to ice my shin for a day or so after. I figured maybe giving myself a few days off from running would help. I took a few days off, then ran again. The pain would come back, but I’d keep running through the pain until I didn’t feel it anymore. Of course, once I stopped running it would come flooding back.

I decided to take a week off from running. I actually started feeling much better and stopped walking with a limp, so I tried again. This time I made sure to go out and buy some new running shoes. Saturday morning came and it was a gorgeous day outside. Excitedly I put on my brand new running shoes, hot pink shoelaces and all, and ventured out.

I noticed that I was still feeling discomfort in my shin while walking.  Annoyed, I thought, okay stop being such a wuss and get through this.  I ran. I pushed myself halfway through my five mile route when I finally had to admit that there was something to this and that I really should go see someone about it.  The other problem I was encountering was the fact that my mother had been having a rough time in the past few months requiring several trips to doctors and even a hospital stay. I was already taking a lot of time away from work for her and also for my daughter with her school needs. I really couldn’t afford to take any more time off so I tend to put myself way down on the bottom of the list. Which is what most mothers do.

It was time to put myself way up on the top of the list, even if it was just for a short while. After all if I’m not healthy, how will I take care of them, right?? So, I made an appointment.

The doctor looked at my leg, poked around, watched me walk, sent me for X-rays then an MRI.

“Stress fractures,” he pronounced.  “I’m going to put a boot on you to relieved some of the pressure on your shin while you walk.”

“I guess that means no walking or running for a while, huh?” I asked.

He looked at me with a raised eyebrow and a lopsided smile and said, “Nope.”

It feels like my leg has been put in a prison. The boot is so cumbersome and annoying. I’m getting irritable because I don’t like being told I can’t run. Actually I’m annoyed because every time I do try to run, the pain is so bad that I have to stop. I’m pissed off because the weather is cooling down and we are having some of the most beautiful fall days that are perfect for long runs and I can’t go. I’m just incredibly frustrated right now.

I know that I should have gone to the doctor as soon as I noticed that kind of sharp pain. Muscle aches, we all know those can be worked through with rest and icing, but this one felt like it was in the bone. I know it was partly my fault for pushing it to the limit and for not taking care of it immediately. It’s just so much easier to take care of the people around me than it is to concentrate on myself.

The lesson learned here is – if you neglect yourself long enough, you will reach a point where you cannot take care of those around you.

So, bottom line is I need to keep the boot on until all the pain is gone from my shin. Then hopefully I’ll be able to get back out there to run. The disappointing thing is, I’m going to have to start all over again with my running progress. Hopefully it’ll be very, very soon so I can enjoy the beautiful fall weather before it gets too chilly. The good thing is I’m in a warm climate so even if it gets chilly, we still have beautiful fall like days all throughout the winter months. So, I’ll just focus on that.

Fifty Two Life Lessons

My fifty second birthday is peeking over the horizon at me. Just a few more days and it’ll be on top of me. It’s truly amazing how quickly the years fly by. Especially once you have kids. There was a time when I thought being fifty was ancient. It was so far down the road and quite frankly I just never really envisioned myself being in my fifties. That was where my parents resided. Then one day I wake up and realize with a shock that I’m there. I’m officially middle-aged.

The interesting thing is – I don’t feel like a middle-aged person. I still feel and think like I did when I was younger. I still enjoy running and being active. I still find amusement in the stupidest, little things and delight in beauty around me. Somehow I always associated middle age with boring, dour looking folks who have long outgrown fanciful things like dreams and playing. At least that was how I always saw my parents and their friends, or maybe that was just how the younger generation sees things. But, being in my fifties really isn’t bad at all.  I’ve learned a lot of things along the way and actually look forward to learning more as I get older. Every stage in life has its own level of learning and it’s not about getting old, it’s about learning and growing mentally and emotionally.

Since I’ve been doing some reflecting on life, I thought I’d try to come up with 52 life lessons that have worked for me. In no particular order… I’m just typing them up as they come to mind.

1. Smile. Smiling does wonders to change a mood. People respond positively to a genuine smile, and that positive response goes a long way in boosting your own mental state. I don’t mean walk around grinning like an idiot every second of the day. It’s just that we all have a choice… we can choose to look at the good or bad aspect of situations. Those who choose to dwell on the good things tend to be much more approachable and easy to be around.

2. Don’t marry just for the sake of getting married. There are literally billions of people on this planet. Life is too special to be wasted being with someone that isn’t quite right for you. When you meet that perfect match, you’ll know it. If you haven’t, at least have fun meeting people along the way. There’s nothing wrong with being alone when you’re comfortable and at peace with yourself. Being married to the wrong person and trying to make it work, only adds stress and unhappiness along the way. Too many times I’ve seen (I was one…) where people meet and say that they can work around the differences and change the person. Trust me, it’s not easy to change the core of who someone is.

3. Exercise. Okay, I can hear the groans already. A lot of people think exercise is overrated. It’s not. It truly does create a more positive state of mind as well as better health. I’ve gone through periods of exercising and not. Whenever I went for a while without a regular workout regime, I started feeling bad both physically and mentally. My physical feeling would be aches, pains and a feeling of being too heavy. The discomfort that I felt with myself only brought my mental state down. Then I would get back into running and always, without fail, I’d feel that boost of confidence. That positive energy would start flowing through me again. Our bodies are just like any mechanical thing we may have such as cars. If you don’t take your car in for regular tune-ups and make sure the tires, oil and other things are changed or maintained on a regular basis – it’s going to break down on you and quit. Our bodies are basically the same way. They need to be maintained and treated well to carry us through our lifetime.

4. Play. Always make time for playing. We work and spend much of our time trying to save a little money, pay bills, maintain our homes, cars and take care of our families. It’s incredibly important to make time for fun. Otherwise your mind is going to get so bogged down with responsibilities. Make time to let loose, go somewhere new, experience something fun. Just get out and clear your head of problems and really enjoy yourself.

5. Choose your battles wisely. If you’re going to get into an argument with someone, at least make sure it’s a worthwhile battle. Otherwise it’s wasted energy. If it really isn’t important and about something that isn’t going to affect your life and surroundings, then just let it go.

6. Learn something new whenever possible. Take a class, read, explore…you’ll be a much more interesting person for it.

7. Make time for animals in your life. They can teach a lot about unconditional love.

8. Try new experiences. I went snow skiing for the first time in my life last winter and had a fantastic time. I don’t want to find myself sitting in a wheelchair at eighty wondering what it would have been like if….

9. If you have kids, give them the absolute best you can. Prepare them for life and give them the tools needed to succeed. And love them unconditionally.

10. Think before you speak. Who among us hasn’t been quick with our mouths only to regret the words coming out. Maybe this is something that has to be learned over time, but it’s very true that our words can sometimes cut deep.

11. Be sensible about your finances. Money isn’t everything, but it’s nothing to brush aside either. Find a good balance where you have enough money so you don’t have to worry about your next meal or how you’ll pay your bills, but at the same time don’t let money run your life.

12. Leave a place better than when you arrived. Pick up after yourself, get rid of trash, etc. None of us want to live in a dumpster so why would we just leave trash laying around?

13. Make time for books and movies. They’re great for relaxation and entertainment, but don’t make them a focal point of your life.

14. Enjoy good food. Be open to trying different dishes and flavors.

15. When in love, love with all your heart. If the love fades then let it go and move on. Know that nothing is forever and sometimes the universe knows what we need at certain points in our lives.

16. Laugh often and laugh loud.

17. See the ocean at least once in your life.

18. Go to the mountains at least once in your life.

19. Possessions are there to enhance your life, not to encumber it. Be willing to give things away when they’ve outlived their purpose. Life is not about things, but about experiences.

20. Always treat others the way you would want to be treated.

21. Never underestimate the power of sleep. A good night sleep will do wonders to boost morale and lift spirits.

22. If you see something beautiful, stop and take it in. Don’t be in such a rush that you miss a great sunset or the glitter from the sun dancing across a lake. We’re not going to be here forever so don’t take beauty for granted.

23. Take care of the older generation. They’ve been around a long time, they deserve to be respected and cared for. These were people that were our age at one time. Always remember that we will all get to that point at one time or another and treat them how we would expect or wish to be treated ourselves.

24. When doing a job for someone, do it well. You wouldn’t appreciate paying someone to do something for you only to see that they’re putting in a half-assed attempt. Do your job well and to the best of your ability.

25. Get crazy once in a while. Let your hair down and don’t be afraid to look foolish. As long as no one gets hurt by your actions, it’s good to let loose.

26. Create something. A picture, poem, story, garden… anything. Just put something together and watch it grow.

27. Nothing’s perfect. We live in an imperfect world, with imperfect people. Accept these imperfections and learn to see beauty in them.

28. Cry. Don’t be afraid to cry and show your emotions.

29. Show appreciation whenever you can. People usually respond amazingly to a simple but genuine “thank you”.

30. Take vacations. Even if you don’t have the money to travel someplace exotic, a simple drive to the beach or countryside can rejuvenate ones soul.

31. Take time for inner reflection. The world we live in is so fast-paced and hectic that it’s easy to lose touch with yourself.  Step back once in a while to take a breather and meditate. Gather your thoughts and center yourself.

32. Nothing is permanent. Sometimes someone or something that was so good for us at one time can become a source of anxiety or frustration after time. If this happens, it may be time to step back and away from that source. We don’t all go down the same paths in life. Paths intersect for periods of times and then they may divide and you find yourselves going down different paths. It’s okay to move on. Don’t hold on so tightly and refuse to let things flow.

33. Enjoy a good glass of wine.

34. Accept change. It’s inevitable in this changing world we live in. Why fight it?

35. Dress up and wear something incredibly sexy once in a while.

36. Take lots of pictures. Going back and looking at them usually puts a smile on my face.

37. Don’t procrastinate. Easier said than done, I know. But taking care of things right then and there reduces stress in your life. You’re not constantly thinking of the things that need to be taken care of when they’re done on the spot.

38. Accept people for who they are. Too many times, especially in relationships, people will find something that they’re not 100% happy with and place their focus on “fixing” that imperfection. It doesn’t work. Determine if it’s an imperfection that you can live with and leave it alone. If not, move on.

39. Eat sensibly. What we put into our bodies does have an impact on how we feel. Maybe not immediately but over time…  You wouldn’t put dirt into your gas tank, would you? It would muck it all up. Our bodies are the same way.

40. Give what you would like to receive. I’m not talking about things. I’m talking about love, gratitude, respect…

41. Don’t follow the crowd. Too often the crowd is doing things only to be accepted or to be popular and often that entails things that we may not be in agreement with. Step back and be true to yourself.

42. If you see someone being bullied or pushed around, stick up for them. Let them know they’re not alone and let the aggressors know that what they’re doing isn’t cool.

43. Spend time with a baby who is discovering the world for the first time. Seeing things through their eyes really puts things in perspective.

44. Dream. The day you stop dreaming is the day you stop living and start just existing.

45. Enjoy getting older. It may not be so much fun to see the wrinkles on the face, but really, they’re an indicator of what a person has been through. The wisdom and knowledge gained from all those years should be embraced and revered.

46. Think about the choices you make. Your kid wants to go out and play with you but the house needs cleaning….  choose the playtime with the kid over cleaning. Cleaning can be done anytime, but the playing with the kid will be gone over time.

47. Treasure the people in your life. You never know how long they will be there so enjoy every moment you can with them.

48. Bullying, stalking, threatening actions are not cool.

49. Splurge once in a while on yourself. I have a hard time with this one. I tend to want to save my money and time for my mother and daughter that I tend to forget about myself. But when I do something for myself, it’s a great morale boost.

50. Don’t be self-centered. People who are able to forget about themselves to focus on other people or tasks tend to reap more than those who spend all their time thinking of their own desires.

51. What?? We’re not done yet????

52. Live, love, laugh and just enjoy the hell out of this life. Be kind, have fun, get crazy. We only get one shot at this, why not have fun while we’re here.

Happy birthday to me!!!!  Cheers!

Nothing like a good run

After weeks, months of getting sidetracked from my running schedule, I went for a long one today and it felt great. Granted, it was more of a walk peppered with short running bursts, but the main thing is getting out there. The release of endorphins in my brain always makes me feel more positive and energetic. There are several different routes that I like to take when I get out there to run. They’re based on the time I have for running and my mood. This one is one of the longer ones that I like to take on the weekends if I don’t have other pressing things to do. It takes me out for a good hour and by the time I get home, I’m tired, sore and exhausted but I always feel great mentally. It’s a beautiful route. almost zen-like if you can just lose yourself in the surroundings.

  

Quiet, lots of shade and just beautiful.

When I don’t run or do some type of exercise, I usually start feeling frustrated and negative about things. That’s probably why I keep going back to running. It just takes away the negative energy and clears my head. If any of you read my last post, you’ll see that I was really at a point where little things were bothering me. I know so many negative people. All they see around them is the negative aspects of things. In reality everything has negative and positive aspects to them. It’s all in what or how you choose to look at them. When I’m not feeling good about myself, not making time for exercise then I can easily fall into that trap also. Without preaching, I’ve tried to share my feelings about exercising on a regular basis and typically the response I get is that they don’t like to get sweaty and dirty. Okay, that’s their choice and I respect that. For me, an hour of sweating in the heat and pushing through discomfort really pays off in feeling good the rest of the day.

 

How can one not enjoy being out in this beauty?

Some people are able to set up a schedule for themselves and adhere to it. I find it impossible with an elderly parent and a teenage daughter. Too many unexpected things come up. That’s why I really need to push through being too tired on some days and take full advantage of every day that I can possibly get running in. The other stuff I can’t help.

I’d join a running club if I could. It would probably give me that extra motivation to be around others who enjoy the same thing. And to have a running partner who is counting on me to show up at a certain time for our run. Maybe someday when life settles down a bit more for me.

 

To all you runners out there – see you tomorrow out on the trails…

One of THOSE Days…

I try to stay positive. Think good thoughts and embrace things as they come….. (blowing raspberry)

Today, I’m just not feeling it at all. I’m not getting the validation from my bosses that I’m doing a good job, I’m not feeling appreciated, my running is falling steadily by the wayside because I keep getting pulled in so many directions. My daughter has decided to become a gourmet cook overnight and I’m eating way too much food and way too late at night because for some reason she always starts her cooking late. I get home and there’s vacuuming. laundry and cleaning to be done. And I’m watching one of those bridal reality shows where the bride is pitching a fit because daddy won’t fork over more money for her wedding. (blowing more raspberries).

I wish I had a daddy to hand over money or a husband who wanted to provide and take care of his wife instead of the man I married who voiced his resentment many times over the years we were married how he thought it was totally unfair that women have a choice whether to work or not. Funny, because the way I remember it, I didn’t have a choice. If I really wanted to nit-pick;  he actually didn’t work for over a year and worked part-time for another 3 years during that time while I worked two jobs. So, who was it that really had a choice??

This bride show – she’s fussing now because her daddy has vetoed some of her expensive choices for the wedding and she’s being a baby about it. My sixteen year old has more sense than that! The girl is in her early twenties and she’s going in for Botox??!? Either I’m really living out of the loop or I wasn’t smart enough to manipulate people around me to my advantage.

I know I’m rambling on here. It’s just been one of those frustrating days that’s been piling up on a series of similar other days.  So, I’m going to vent, get it out of my system then get up tomorrow and take one of my long hike/runs and it’ll clear my head. I’ll be back to my normal positive self in no time. For right now though I think I’m entitled to blow off steam.

Have a great Friday night everyone. Tomorrow is always a new, promising day.

Falling In Love

It’s a really strange feeling when your child starts flirting, having boyfriends (or girlfriends) and dating.

In my mind she will always be a little girl and it was just so odd to see her moving into the romance phase of her life. It seemed to happen overnight too. One minute I was worrying about mundane things like making sure she kept up with school, homework and chores and the next thing I knew, I was having to be vigilante about which guys were coming into her life. It just opens up a whole new ballgame.

I was rolling with it though. I just made sure that the communication lines were always open between us. She confided in me and we’d have talks about life, boys , dating, etc…

I can handle this, I thought. I made sure she knew that the heavy duty relationships and marriage comes after college. After she’s had a chance to figure out who she really was. She agreed and all was good. Until….

She met THE guy. They had a lot in common, had same goals of college, education and future plans. They became inseparable. Nothing I did or said deterred them from being in love and making future plans. At first I thought – Okay, they’ll probably get through this and then it’ll fizzle out. But then I remembered something that hadn’t really registered in my brain until now when I see her at sixteen.

Sixteen was when I met the guy I’d eventually marry. We did divorce after 23 years of marriage, but the point is I was only sixteen and I’d already met the guy I was going to spend the next quarter of my life with. Once that realization set into my head, I started looking at her in an entirely different light. Is it possible that this could be the one? Yea, I guess it is. Do I still think it’s too young? Absolutely. In our parents and grandparents day, meeting your future mate at sixteen was not unthinkable. Today, I think there are just too many things to experience and figure out to settle for someone at that early of an age, but I realize that the heart sometimes knows what it wants. It’s entirely possible that this could be the one for her.

I figure that the most important thing is to be there for her to bounce her ideas, thoughts and feelings off of and most of all to love her unconditionally. I’m not going to lecture her or try to keep them apart. I just need to make sure they don’t lose sight of their goals. Know that college and education comes first because it will help make life so much easier if and when they do decide to get together.

Besides, so far, I like the guy that she’s chosen. He seems to be a good fit for her at this point in their lives. I just hope they remain on track with their goals and not divert from them the way I did. I didn’t have anyone around to advise me and make sure I was making the right decisions. So I’m putting myself in that position for them.

I had forgotten how powerful love can be. It’s all encompassing and just changes ones life completely. I remember when I look at them how it had been for me. It’s an amazing feeling and I wouldn’t take it away from them. It’s just that in my mind she’s still my baby and to see her moving into romance and love is, well I wouldn’t say difficult, but it’s been challenging to figure out how much to let go and how much to pull back.

Falling in love… such an amazing experience.

The New Meaning of Driving One Crazy

For all you parents out there who have kids under fifteen, just wait. Just wait till they get their learner’s permit. Then you will truly understand how nerve-wracking it is for the parent.

My daughter could not wait for the day she turned fifteen for that meant she could get her driving permit. I was okay with it. I know she has to learn sometime and after all I got mine when I turned fifteen also. In fact, I had been driving way before that on a property that my dad owned. Anytime he would go out there to work, I’d tag along at age twelve or thirteen and take the car around on the property while he worked. No biggie.

So the magical birthday rolls around and soon after we were at the DMV getting her permit. I was still feeling comfortable about the whole driving idea. That afternoon I took her to a huge parking lot where I knew there would not be anyone around. It was one of those places that had gone out of business. Took her there and explained what she needed to be watching for on the dashboard gauges. We went over the positioning of the seat and mirrors. Finally, she was ready. I settled down on the passenger side and we were ready to go. She took it nice and easy. I had her driving as if she were on the road, staying in the proper lanes, stopping for imaginary lights and signs. All in all it was a good driving experience.

THEN she was ready to drive on the road. My gut clenched, the nerves started firing and I found myself making excuses on why today wasn’t the right day. A few days passed and she kept after me to let her drive on the road. We live in a busy city and there are no light days to take her out for a practice drive. It’s jump in traffic and go. I ran out of excuses and so we finally got ready for her first drive on the road.

I handed her the keys. She had to tug on them a bit because my fingers just didn’t want to unhook from the key ring. Getting in the car, she began adjusting the seat and mirrors while I was still lecturing her from outside the car. I reminded her of the blind spots and how she would have to get familiar with the blind spots of different vehicles. I walked around the car and had her look in the mirrors for when I disappeared from sight so that she would get a good feel of where she could easily miss something. As I lectured on and on about the blind spots and all the different possible scenarios where she could run into trouble while driving, she finally looked at me and said, “Mom, you’re stalling. Let’s go.”

Agh, she was so right. I was stalling. The realization that I was about to hand over the controls to the car to my fifteen year old daughter was finally hitting me full force in the face, FIFTEEN! That age all of a sudden seemed way too young to me. Reluctantly, I got into the car and prepared myself.

Buckling in, I kept an eagle eye on everything she touched. Made sure she put it in reverse and not drive. I’m sure my eyes were rolling about wildly as she started moving out of the drive. My foot was already pressing down on the floorboard on my side, wishing madly I had a set of brakes over there. If there had been, we would not have moved one inch.

As she moved out into the road, my poor heart started doing palpitations,  I was trying so hard to be calm and collected so that she would be relaxed and focused on her driving. However, my hands would fly up to hold the dashboard or the handle above the seat. My foot automatically slammed onto the floor looking for the brakes. She’d come up behind a car or to a stop light and I would press back in the seat with both hands clutching the door and console on either side of me.

“You’re coming up too fast. Start braking please.” I’d say.

“Mom, relax. I’m stopping already.”

“You need to give yourself more time to brake.”

“I know, mom. I’m fine. See, I can do this.”

“Don’t get cocky. Cocky drivers always get into trouble.”

“Sheesh, mom. Relax already would you?”

I knew she was doing fine. She was being responsible and careful. She listened to me and did what I asked of her. It’s just the feeling of being out of control and having a fifteen year old manipulating so many thousand pounds of steel.

This went on for a long while, every time we’d go out and she asked to drive, my mind and body would automatically go into that fight or flight mode. The adrenaline would start pumping and my nerves started jangling. I never realized how much I liked to be in control of a vehicle and just how helpless I could feel sitting over there with a newbie driver.

She’s actually a good driver. It wasn’t that she gave me reason to be so panicky every time we went out. It was simply my own response to teaching or being responsible for a young, new driver. I know now that I could never be a driving instructor. I wouldn’t be able to handle the stress. Today, she does a lot of the driving and I’ve actually gotten to the point where I can check my phone and send text messages without feeling I have to have eyes on the road and her every second. I still press down on the floorboard trying to brake when we come up behind cars or to a light, and she knows it. I think she takes some small delight in the fact that I get so jittery over this. That’s okay… one day, she will be in my shoes and I’ll be in the back seat laughing at her. No, let’s correct that – I’ll be at HOME laughing at her. I don’t think I want to go through this again with a grandchild. I’ll just let her handle it while I’m in a safe, comfortable place.

Life is Beautiful…

I’m around some people who don’t see beauty around them. It makes me sad when I hear them talk about suicide or being depressed. I’m not bipolar but I have had very close experiences with people who are and it’s really tough to see them go through these extreme lows.

Please, if anyone out there is interested. It’s such a precious place we live in. There’s so much beauty surrounding us. It may not be right next door but it’s definitely on our planet. Use your imagination…dream… let your mind go places that you may not be able to go physically at this moment.

I believe in the power of positive thinking. I think that when you feel that things are possible. They really can be. There’s no limitations except what you place on yourself.

I, myself, plan on traveling. I just have to wait a couple of years for my daughter to graduate school. Then I can just pick up and go. Possessions are nothing. Life, love and experiences are everything.

A perfect rose…

 

Skiing at midnight…

Kayaking through the mangroves…

A beautiful Autumn sky…

I don’t even have money to travel but yet, I can have these experiences. So if I can convince anyone that life is beautiful around the corner….I’ll be happy.

 

 

Oreo, Oreo…

I told my daughter that I would post a post for each of our cats. This one is for the third and final cat that we took into the household. If it were up to my daughter we’d have more and some dogs to boot. My place is just way too tiny for that. If I had a few acres of land then yea, maybe we would.

Anyway, here’s how Oreo came into our lives. With two cats already, Tiger and Bandit, we went to the petmart pretty regularly. This particular time we went there for some cat food and litter on a Saturday. Worst day of the week. This is the day when they bring in the orphaned cats for adoption. The other dumb thing I did was go there with my daughter. I know that two cats is my limit based on finances and the size of my place and I can go to the pet supermarket and zip in and out without looking around. Going with my daughter is a whole different story. She has to stop and visit every cat in the cages. On this particular day, she found this tuxedo cat sitting in a cage by herself. For some reason, my daughter fell in love with this cat. Oreo was a tiny little thing, I thought she was around six months or so old. I told my daughter that we really only had room for two cats in our lives based on the money I had and the space we lived in. I assured her that someone would probably adopt her in no time and she would be living in a good home. My daughter looked at me with those trusting eyes and said are you sure?

“Yes, I’m sure darling.” I said.

She said she wanted to take pictures so that she could always remember her.

 

I finally got her out of the store and thought to myself, whew, I made it out of there without taking on another animal.

The story doesn’t end there.

About two months later, when my daughter was spending the weekend with her dad, I needed to go to the pet supermarket for more supplies. So, I went back to the same store she and I went to those months prior. Guess what I saw?? Yes, I saw that same kitty, in the cage still. I thought, Okay, no. I can’t just walk on out and leave this cat. She’s been in this cage for about two months that I know of and who knows how much longer before or after that she would still be in there.

I know.. I’m a sap.

I spoke with the lady and found out that Oreo wasn’t a six month old kitty as I originally thought. She was actually two years old. As tiny as she was, I guessed she hadn’t had an easy life. She wasn’t particularly friendly when placed in my arms, but then who would be if they’d been living in a cage as long as she had been? I agreed to adopt her.

Bringing her home was an interesting experience. She didn’t take too well to Tiger or Bandit at first. They were interested in her and wanted to welcome her into the home. She, on the other hand, wanted absolutely nothing to do with either of them. She hissed, she spit and she did everything she could to avoid them. Not a very trusting cat at that point.

Today she is a sweetheart. A mischievous one for she loves to tease the other two  by sneaking up on them and swiping their hind legs or butt. She’s also established herself as the ruler of the roost. The other two males are very docile and are quite happy to allow her the “queen bee” role in the house.

 

Tiger is pretty much his own cat. He picks and chooses who he wants to be with at any given time.

Bandit is my cat. He’ll always come to me and very rarely to anyone else.

Oreo, however gravitates toward my daughter. She’ll snuggle with her as her first choice any time.

So, that’s my introduction to my cat family. Adorable, wonderful and precious. I’d have dogs too if I could, but they require a bit more attention and unfortunately our schedule isn’t very dog-friendly. Maybe if I ever get to the point when I can stop working and spend a little more time at home.